The rich once gave thanks by worshipping in the city's cathedral.
But all that has changed.
Now we worship our hedonistic culture at five-star temples, such as Hotel Babylon, where we've stopped worrying about what will happen in the next world because we're too busy enjoying ourselves in this one.
SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC And if that means betraying people who love us so we can get rich quick, then what's the problem?
It's not as if GOD's watching.
Or maybe he is.
Some people are starting to feel guilty about all this excess, so they look to a preacher or a faith healer to guarantee their ticket into paradise.
Mr Slaughter, we are so pleased to have you with us, it's an honour.
Mr Parmenter.
I'm Emily James, Head of PR, and Jack Harrison, General Manager. Welcome.
Good morning. morning. All is set for your interview with the religious channel and I have to say, I think your doing an interview at Babylon is a fantastic idea... Close your eyes.
And take a deep breath.
And open.
How do you feel?
Amazing.
First, I've never had a career.
What I have is a calling, yeah?
A sense of mission I've had since I was a kid.
I am only a mouthpiece for the Big Man.
An increasingly successful mouthpiece. The Sermon on the Mount was the Woodstock of its day, yeah?
5,000 folk listened back then.
I'm not embarrassed one little bit by going big.
He's good, isn't he?
He's the best. The truth has, and always will, pull a big crowd.
Truth has, and always will, pull a big crowd.
Truth has, and always will, pull a big crowd.
So I said to him, "If you no buy my drinks, you no eat my nuts."
How, erm...
how often was this happening?
Nearly every day.
Then sometimes he bring his dog, and feed the snacks to him.
Right, so let me get this straight, Gino.
This guy just wanders in off the street, he doesn't buy a drink, and then he just sits there and watches whilst his dog just licks your salted nuts? Exactly.
OK. You're in room 110. Enjoy your stay with us. Thank you.
Um...
I need to ask you a favour.
Of course.
A very personal favour.
Sorry I'm late. No, you're not late, you're just early for TOMORROW's meeting.
Did I miss anything? Only much mirth at the confusion between salty bar snacks and Gino's testicles.
Well, I was listening to Jonah Slaughter being interviewed and lost track of time.
Jonah who?
Britain's answer to Morris Cerullo. Who?
A leading American evangelist who books out Earls Court every summer.
Slaughter wants to become his British equivalent.
After much, much success up North he's decided to bring his mission down to one of the bigger London venues. Emily thinks we should court him before he hits the big time.
If his plans take off, he will fill the O2 arena year on year for a week at a time.
That IS a lot of sandals.
Church God may be on its knees, Tony, but Stadium God is very much on the march and not in sandals.
KNOCK AT DOOR Enter!
Jack, I've a guest who insists on speaking with you. About?
- My son.
- What about him?
He wants to put him in the hotel safe.
Could I escort you inside, madam?
Standing there, you make a rather juicy target for any cabs pulling up.
Oh, I'm so sorry. It's OK.
Neon red is just the most beautiful colour, isn't it?
Well, to be honest, you're the first guest who's ever commented on it.
In my village there's just a single B&B, oh, and two dingy rooms above the local pub.
While we offer more amenities than those establishments, we like to feel we offer the same warmth and hospitality.
Please allow me to escort you to reception.
Oh, that's so kind of you.
It would be my pleasure. Thank you.
The bar's this way, Mr Cathcart.
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to my time here.
Oh, well that's always nice to hear!
I've been looking forward to this for 30 years.
Oh, wow, well I only hope we can live up to your expectations.
Gino will look after you from now on.
Thank you. OK.
Excuse me, could you point me towards the quietest table you have?
Well, if you want to sit quietly and watch the pretty girls go by, that table.
But if you want to sit quietly and get slowly drunk, that table.
I just want to read a book.
You mean, you want to pretend to read a book and then sneak the peek at the gorgeous women?
I've been meaning to read this for 30 years.
I finally managed to clear one whole day to do nothing but finish one of the greatest comic masterpieces of the 20th century.
That? Yes.
I read a book like that once.
Oh, yes? It wasn't very good.
KEYTONES Reception.
Right, what seems to be the problem with it, sir?
I can assure you that all our double beds are king-size beds, sir.
No, I'm afraid I am unable to tell you on which particular king the bed was originally modelled on.
Moron.
HE SIGHS What would you like? Tea or coffee?
Is it too early for a teensy-weensy G and T? Never. Only a little less teeny-weeny with the G than the T.
Of course.
I believe it was Mark Twain who once remarked that an alcoholic is anyone we don't like who drinks more than we do.
Actually, I believe it was Dylan Thomas.
Miss Quigley? Mr Parmenter?
Good of you to come.
Good of you to ask me.
All set?
I'm feeling a little nervy, but I'll be OK.
Thank you.
ICE CLINKS Nerves all gone.
Jonah will be down any second.
He and I will be in conversation with a member of the hotel staff.
Choose your moment, and come over.
Right. That's great, thank you...
Emily! Hi! Jonah will be down in a second. Excuse me...
HE HICCUPS AND SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER The more exclusivity you give us, the easier it will be to sell my boss on the whole deal.
I thought he WAS sold?
Are you planning on some sightseeing while you're in London?
Jonah wants me to record the venues we're looking at going into so we can review them later.
Oh, good idea.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
More business.
Emily was just explaining the situation between herself and her boss. Situation?
Well, between you and me, he's a tad over-cautious about the possibility of a relationship.
Would it help if I had a chat in person?
Oh, yes, it would, yes. Of course.
Excuse me? Erm, you ARE who I think you are? It's eminently possible.
Jonah Slaughter? That's me.
My mother was a huge admirer of yours.
That's always nice to hear.
How do you sleep at night?
Excuse me?
Knowing how much you've swindled out of people who trusted you?
OK. Nathan, handle this while Emily and I continue the meeting upstairs.
My mother left your organisation every penny she had, leaving me practically destitute!
If you could just calm down I am sure we can discuss your concerns in a more Christian fashion.
What on earth was all that about?
We frequently receive bequeathed money to support our work which proves difficult for bypassed relatives to swallow.
Yes, I can see that.
Oh, erm, which floor did you want?
Er, same, thanks.
I wonder how she knew you were here?
She must've read my blog.
Nathan thinks I give out too much info about my movements.
But I say it makes people feel part of my success. More involved, like we're all on the same journey.
Well, you'll have to become more careful as you get ever more famous.
Maybe.
LAUGHTER Uno fizzy-o H2O, por favor.
Lemon-o?
The guest-o requested just ice.
LAUGHTER Somebody's enjoying themselves.
He come to the hotel to read all of that book.
What, just that? What a waste of time for a load of old rubbish.
Have you read it? I read the title.
Catch 22.
A title of a good book would tell you what you catch 22 of.
Well, I know I... If I don't know what they catching 22 of, how do I know if I want to read a story telling me how you catch them?
22 little fishes, I not interested.
22 sharks, I'm very interested.
22 tigers, I am very interested.
But 22 mouses, no, I am not at all interested at all.
Thanks for the water, Gino.
No problem.
LAUGHTER It's not as if I've done anything evil, per se. But I have burned the candle at both ends in my time.
And quite often in the middle.
Things you're ashamed of now?
Well, yes, actually.
God loves you, Emily.
Even after I...
SHE WHISPERS Even after that?
DOOR OPENS God forgives all who genuinely seek forgiveness, Emily.
Isn't that right, Nathan?
Hello, Mr Slaughter.
Oh! Now before you say anything, I think you should listen to what Caroline has to say.
Nathan... Just listen, as I have listened downstairs, with an open heart and mind.
I think you'll be glad you did.
PHONE RINGS Well, I'll just get it then, shall I?
Reception.
Yes, sir.
Your room does have a panoramic view.
What do you mean, "It's the wrong panorama"?
Sir, you can't have a room overlooking Buckingham Palace because we don't have any rooms that DO that. Good day!
My mother loved your meetings.
She was really blown away by them.
Especially the faith-healing aspect.
I'm just the Lord's tool.
But when I brought her to see you I had no idea that this would be the outcome.
Look, I hear what you're saying and I understand your frustration.
I'd be the same.
But with all due respect, I cannot be held accountable for your mother's decisions.
She left £30,000 to your organisation. We have no choice but to see that as her choice.
But that money was supposed to go towards a deposit for a little house by the sea once she...
well, once she... Oh, here...
Thank you.
What're you playing at, bringing her here? I thought she had a story worth listening to.
Everything will be fine. Will it?
The Lord moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.
PHONE RINGS Reception?
It's a weird male voice asking to speak to the female receptionist.
OK.
Hello, just handing you over, sir.
He dislikes the pictures on his wall. I won't speak to him!
I've just said you are.
You are going to die.
Hm. When I do I'll find myself in a much hotter version of this lobby, with you, no doubt, roasting beside me.
Hello, sir. Anna speaking. Well, our pictures are specifically chosen to be as inoffensive as possible.
"Their inoffensiveness in itself is offensive"? I don't know what you mean.
How DARE you say that! You know nothing...
Uh-oh.
Receptionist or not, no-one hangs up on me! Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean to. He probably just slipped. Right.
Hold the fort. Whoa! What if I might need to go to the toilet?
Which, as I've mentioned the possibility, I now do?
Well, hold it and the fort.
James, I need to ask you a favour.
Yes, of course, if I can.
That's not what I think it is?
Inside this urn are the remains of the 21-year-old son of one of our guests.
(Are you out of your mind, bringing human remains into my restaurant?)
The guest has asked me to keep it...
him, the urn with him inside... He's asked me to keep it somewhere safe.
Might I suggest, and this may sound a little old-fashioned, but the hotel safe?
It's full. Your office, then.
Every time I go and work I become overwhelmingly conscious that I'm sharing the room with a...
with a corpse. In powder form.
Not as eerie, surely?
Eerie enough. Which is why I'd like you to store it for me.
In the restaurant?
You've got lots of cupboards.
For storing napkins and cutlery.
Not the dead.
Isn't your pay review due in a month?
I am shocked and appalled by the ease with which you would abuse your position.
So am I. But then I think, "Why have my position if I can't abuse it every now and again?"
I'll just leave it here for you.
No... No, you can't! Jack!
Wish me luck, son.
That's my mum. Look at that smile on her face, she was the life and soul of every party, even when she no longer recognised the other guests.
And here she is just after we've seen Jesus Christ Superstar at the Lyceum theatre. She loved it.
Look, I've explained my position.
Now please... Oh, PLEASE WHAT?
Please shut up and go away!
No... That's what you mean.
It's what you want.
You want to take my money and for me to accept it as a fait accompli!
My mother is dead. And I'm very sorry about that, but our hands are tied. You could untie them. You just don't want to.
KNOCK ON DOOR Room service.
Did you order room service?
No. Did you?
If I had, why would I ask YOU?
I have no idea why you brought HER here, so how in command of your senses are you at the moment?
If they're really busy downstairs then occasionally they get the orders mixed up.
I suppose the most embarrassing example was when a Japanese businessman ordered a spit-roast, but accidentally the order got to Tony...
KNOCK ON DOOR Go away!
KNOCKING PERSISTS I think you must have the wrong room. We didn't order any...
Don't shout. Step back in the room.
Sit on the bed.
Oh... What...?
It's open!
I don't care, I've absolutely no intention of coming in.
Now please come to the door. I can't.
Why not? Because you sound too angry.
Who's in there?
Surprise! Ned!
But...
you're at a conference in Geneva.
That's what I wanted you to think.
But why wind me up with all those ridiculous phone calls in that stupid voice?
Well, because I thought the more I wound you up, the more fun I could have unwinding you.
Isn't it enough that you have a gun?
Do you need to point it at us?
She's right.
Three years ago my son was set to go to university.
When he was diagnosed with leukaemia, we assumed his chance had gone.
But once his treatment kicked in you couldn't stop him.
The medication was tough, but it WAS working.
And then one evening, halfway through his first term, feeling low, he went looking for extra help, and found himself in a meeting you were holding in the university church.
No-one's more stressed these days than young people.
Debt. Weight of expectation.
I feel for them, I really do.
And, trust me, so does God.
Was your son very religious?
No. But his new medication was taking time to gain a foothold.
He was tired. Doubting himself.
He came to you for a private consultation.
God's love is the greatest medicine of all.
Yeah, he said that's what you told him.
He told us that as a consequence he felt a different person. Renewed.
Strong.
Convinced by the power of prayer.
By the time his mother and I found out he'd stopped taking his pills, the leukaemia had spread.
Oh... How...how bad was it?
He could've had another 21 years.
Instead, 21 was his age when he died.
I'm so sorry.
I need a drink. Nobody move!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Whose is that?
PHONE PERSISTS It's my boss.
Let it ring out and then turn it off.
PHONE STOPS 'Hi, it's Emily James' phone.
'Please leave a message.'
It's only a matter of time before I'm missed. By then I'll have done what I came here to do.
My friend, you're making a terrible mistake...
I want YOU over this side.
The rest, on the bed.
Can I just take this?
Yeah, all right, but onto the bed.
I never told your son to stop taking his medicine.
If he hadn't come to see you he'd still be alive.
You offered him false hope.
I offered him God's love.
It's what I do. You may as well have stuck a knife in his heart.
Whatever your grievance is against Mr Slaughter, this is not the way to solve it.
I don't want to solve it. I want to stop him doing it to someone else.
Now move. No. Jonah!
I won't. I said, MOVE!
Coming through! Excuse me...
SHE GASPS Sir!
Ooh!
TROLLEY RUMBLES AND SQUEAKS NOISE INTENSIFIES CLANG AND CLATTER Oh...!
CLINK HE SIGHS Anna, you are the most beautiful, smart, funny, sexy woman I've ever met.
I wanted you from the moment I first set eyes on you. Oh, Ned.
Anna...
Will you..?
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. No, this is not fair. Well, why is it not fair?
How can you decide whether to spend the rest of your life with me when you don't know what that will be?
Well, I'm imagining lots of lovely things.
Yes, we'll spend lots of time together and we'll be one of those couples who are completely devoted to one another, I promise. I'd love that.
OK, let's try again shall we, OK?
Anna...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Maybe we should have a drink first, just to, er...
you know, just to steady our nerves.
OK.
You see, while I was planning all this it all seemed completely clear in my head.
Get down on one knee. Pop the, er...
question.
I suddenly realise that our life, our future together is far too important not to be completely crystal clear about.
But spontaneity's good.
Oh, I love spontaneity.
But I've always thought that spontaneity's best when planned.
Right.
I deal with people in distress every day of the week.
I hear what they really mean beneath their words. What they really want.
And what do I really want?
To express your pain.
For your grief to be acknowledged.
OK, that's it. I quit.
Be quiet. I agreed to play the part of an aggrieved victim, not to participate in broad farce.
Now is really not the time.
Please, be quiet.
What do you mean, play the part?
I'm an actor.
What? Rather renowned, actually.
You probably read about my one-woman adaptation of Glengarry Glenross at the Old Red Lion, Islington?
I live near Bolton and I hate the theatre.
Nathan, do you mind telling me what the bloody hell is going on?
LAUGHTER Gino, you haven't seen Emily, have you? That man with the book.
What about him?
Thinking to ask him to leave my bar.
Is he eating your nuts without buying a drink?
That book is making him laugh so loud it drive all the other customers away.
It's a... It's a very funny book.
You know it?
Well, of course. It's a famous book.
It's set in World War II.
Oh, that's it!
It is about to catch 22 Nazis, eh?
No.
Catch 22 is the explanation of why it's impossible for a sane person to escape a crazy system by rational argument alone.
I don't understand. A simpler version would be something like, erm...
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg, obviously. Ah!
You see, what laid that first egg?
Come along! Everybody know the egg come from the chicken.
Erm... If you see Emily just...
just tell her I'm looking for her.
Wait a minute.
Where did that first chicken come from?
Just...tell her. Eggs...
I'm sorry, I know it probably feels all a little bit rushed and...
full on.
It's just that, erm, you see, the thing is, I've been offered a job.
Oh! Yeah, a pretty incredible job, actually.
The senior consultancy in one of the largest hospitals in the country.
Oh, well that's fantastic. Thank you.
It's in York.
That's up north. Yes! And I know that you're a London girl at heart.
Yes, but I'm also incredibly fickle, so...!
Well, erm, you know, I thought we could buy you a nice big house on the edge of the city, a stone's throw from the moors.
I'll be your Heathcliffe and you'll be my Cathy.
Didn't they die sad and miserable?
Yes, they did.
But we'll have all of their passion and none of their pain. I promise.
OK, that sounds a lot better!
Oh, Anna, with you by my side we'll have a glorious life. Oh.
Now, where were we?
SHE GIGGLES As the scenario in which I'm currently cast appears to be becoming somewhat over-crowded, I shall take my bow and exit stage right, pursued, I hope NOT, by a man bearing arms.
I do not share top billing with anyone. I can't allow you to leave.
I'm sorry. Not yet.
Oh, do stop waving that thing about, I know a fake gun when I see one.
There's nothing fake about this.
And a fellow ham.
Tell me, how many of us exactly have you hired to deliver this lesson in hubris?
I do hope she's on Equity minimum. Because I find her performance utterly unconvincing.
I work for the hotel. Is this woman some kind of a hired stooge?
And him. I am not a stooge! OK, so you can stay in character longer than I can.
Frankly it's not a competition worth winning. I can't believe this!
I mean, this is unbelievable!
You're supposed to be my closest friend and adviser! And it's in that capacity I acted!
You weak, spineless... You Judas.
Jonah. Judas!
Jonah! Jesus!
Everybody except you onto the bed.
All right, you've made your point.
He's real. How can I believe a word you say any more? I AM real!
Your accent's all over the place.
You're costume's inconsistent.
Where did you find this man?
Back page of The Stage?
Sto...
GUNSHOT ECHOES I want complete silence from everyone.
Anna, it wasn't a gunshot.
It was a... I don't know, a door slamming or something.
I've worked in hotels all my life, and slammed every door there is.
That was not a door slamming.
Look, Anna, please! Right. Don't move a muscle.
Whilst I'm gone I'll have a little think about the answer to your question, OK?
Did you hear that? Yeah! Bang! Yeah.
What do you think it was?
I know what it was. It was a gun!
SHE SHRIEKS That's what I thought. We need to find the duty manager. Let's go.
You all right there, boss? No.
I can't find Emily.
Not only can I not find her, I can't get her on the mobile, just keeps going straight onto voicemail.
That's not like her.
Why are you walking like that?
Crystal balls?
I'm bursting to go to the loo.
I see. I'm covering for Anna.
She went up to a guest about 20 minutes ago, and I've heard nothing since.
What kind of words? Harsh ones, with lots of pointy bits.
Which room? I don't know. And Emily?
What about her? Have you seen her?
No, she went into a lift with that guy. Which guy?
I'm so desperate to go to the loo I can't concentrate!
The Christian guy. Can I go, please?! Go. Thank you. Oh, Ben...
Whaaaaa...?!
What's Mr Slaughter's room number?
I don't know, but it will be on the computer.
Do you want me to ride shotgun?
No, keep an eye on things down here.
Did you hear just now like, a bang?
A bang?
Yeah, I thought I heard a bang.
What kind of bang?
Well, you know, like a bang, bang.
Like, BANG! Like that?
You've spent too long standing by those doors. The draught is finally getting to you.
Ah! Here we go... Yeah, I saw it happen to a concierge in Chicago.
Lost his mind completely.
It was definitely a bang.
Like a gun.
On your knees.
No, no, no, not you. You!
Close your eyes.
Please... Close your eyes!
Stop!
I CAN'T let you do this.
I'm not in the best mental state right now.
Really? We'd never have noticed.
So far you've only shot a ceiling.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR Shhh.
Emily?
Shh!
ANOTHER KNOCK Mr Slaughter?
Mr Slaughter?
There you are, Emily...
SHE GURGLES Mr Farnborough, what are you doing here?
- Where's my son?
- He's in a very safe...
No, don't, the gun's loaded, Jack.
This...is a no-gun...hotel! Jack!
Oh! I didn't mean to hurt him.
He was going to stop me and no-one is going to stop me getting justice for my son. No-one! Not him, not you.
Let me through, please, I'm practically a doctor.
Is he OK? I think he will be.
I remember most of the medical research I undertook for my role in the Florence Nightingale musical, Cry Me A River.
Florence, obviously. God, I feel sick.
Have you seen Jack?
No. And when you find him tell him to come and take THIS back.
Bugger my bonus, it's ruining my life.
Just stick it in a cupboard.
I would, but the way my universe works, wherever I put it some clown's gonna knock it over, trip over it, fall on it, or eat it.
Why do you want Jack?
I heard a gunshot.
Protocol states that I need to find the duty manager.
If I can't, I need to find the next most senior manager. Which is you.
Oh, no, I've got enough on my plate.
Anyway, it can't have been a gunshot.
It was. Tanya heard it too.
Then you're both mistaken. It was probably just a door slamming.
Does that sound like a door slamming?
Jesus!
If there's no Jack I'll come back for you, pal!
SHE RETCHES AND DIALS Are you OK?
PHONE SPLASHES I'll live.
I didn't mean to hurt him.
Well, you did.
Can't you see that all you're doing is making things worse?
I lost my son.
My job. My marriage.
Things can't get any worse for me.
Are you going to flush?
What? The toilet.
TOILET FLUSHES Ben, have you seen Jack?
Where the hell have you been?
My bladder was about to explode.
Small bladders run in my family.
If I can't pee at frequent intervals I could die.
No, you couldn't.
Of embarrassment, I could.
I need to find Jack.
He went upstairs to find Emily.
Why? Because she hasn't come down, and she isn't answering her mobile.
Anna...
After he stop growling, Gino said that Jack went upstairs. I know.
To find Emily. Emily is upstairs?
Not answering her mobile.
Why was Gino growling?
Gino is a man I don't understand well.
In my country he would live alone with pigs.
Anna, I've just received this weird text from Emily.
"We ihab inhel dinrom fivten." Mm-hm?
What language is this?
Did any of YOU hear a gunshot?
It was so loud it stopped Ned proposing to me in 508. He proposed?!
Yeah, nearly. Oh, that's so nice!
What's going on?
Ned was just proposing to me when we heard a gunshot.
That is wonderful news, I am very pleased.
And now this gobbledegook text from Emily.
Did he get down on one knee? Almost.
Oh, congratulations! I am genuinely pleased for you!
Really? Yeah! Well, he hasn't actually asked and I haven't actually said yes, yet.
You're hugging me a little prematurely. No matter. This is surprisingly nice. Ah.
Are they YOUR your breasts I can feel? Uh-huh. Oh. Interesting!
Gino? Can you read that?
"We are being held in room 510."
THEY GASP What?!
Guys, we've got colleagues to save.
In business you will often hear the expression...
Armed police! ..."such-and-such was dealt with in-house."
This means outside agencies, the unions, or the police were not called in to help resolve such-and-such situation.
Come on! Get out! Go, go!
Stay where you are! No-one move!
It means that, rightly or wrongly, staff have made a decision to deal with such-and-such situation themselves.
GUNSHOTS VOICE ON POLICE RADIO Nowhere is dealing with things "in-house" more popular than in the hotel business.
Armed police, don't move!
SHOUTING Don't move! Put your weapons on the floor!
Mistakes ARE easy to make...
Keep your hands where I can SEE them!
MAN GASPS Oh, shit!
..and much, much, harder to put right.
Right. We think the shot came from Jonah Slaughter's room, here.
So why don't we call the police?
Because we don't know for sure, we only "think".
And we don't wanna end up with egg all over our face like last time.
So what do we know? That they are being held under the ketchup.
Correct. Why? We don't know. Also correct. So, the big question is...
Yes?
What the bloody hell is going on?
Exactly. We need to find out precisely what is going on in this room, and we need to find out fast.
We need detailed surveillance, then a plan of action based on that.
Gino, I want you to hold the fort at the front desk.
Now the next thing we do is...
Why me? Because you keep asking stupid questions and you're gonna slow the whole process down. Then...
No, Gino. I'm doing my plan now.
Right. Somebody enters the ventilation shaft here...
Making their way along the shaft to here, the ventilation grille that overlooks... The ketchup.
AKA Jonah Slaughter's room.
Then the rest of us will move into position here...
waiting to make the double pincer movement into the room at the given signal. What's the given signal?
Ah... I was thinking that the given command should be...
"Make the double pincer movement into the room now!" Or just, "Now!"
That's even better, I like that.
Yeah.
That command shall be given by the person in the ventilation shaft when the man with or without the gun, as the case may be, is by either one of these two doors.
At which point we shout, "Burst in!" and overpower him with our vast numerical supremacy.
Right. Are we clear? Yes. Right.
Good. Let's roll.
Now there are good plans, and there are bad plans.
But the bottom line is that every plan is only as strong as its weakest link.
Gino, reception!
Thank you. This is for you.
Thank you very much.
For you. Thank you.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
Welcome, sir.
Madame, for you. Sir, for you.
Thank you very much. No problem.
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
No problem.
Room reservation? Room number?
Welcome to Hotel Babylon.
For you, sir, and for you, thank you very much, thank you.
You may think you know where the weakest link lies, but more often than not it lies somewhere else completely.
According to the blueprints, you need to go up five floors, then you crawl along past two junctions, then head down the third.
When you say crawl... Yeah.
Hand and knees, Anna. At the end of the third junction, there should be a grille that looks down into Jonah Slaughter's room.
Right.
Will you do one thing for me?
Will you turn off the air con, cos it's just gonna ruin my hair?
For God's sake!
Is he going to be OK? Argh!
Argh! My head!
Jack? Jack, how are you feeling?
Is this heaven? Am I dead?
The poor child's delirious.
I didn't mean to hurt him...
Our Father... Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, come...
# Kumbaya, blah de blah de blah... #
Spoken like a true atheist.
HE GASPS Are you an angel?
I'm your head of PR.
You look like an angel.
I'm Emily.
Oh!
Why have you done this to me?
I have tried to steer your career as best I could.
But you have become obsessed with all the trappings of success, and it was threatening to destroy the very qualities which first drew me to you.
Your spirituality, your compassion.
Your humility.
You've changed. And I thought this might be a way of changing you back.
I don't believe you.
You did this because you were afraid I'd get too successful and replace you with someone better. No.
I still don't believe you.
So as soon as this is over, replacing you with someone better is precisely what I'm gonna do.
Jonah! Judas!
You still don't get it, do you?
This story will come out and you will be finished. Slaughter...
Sit down!
Remind me why I am the perfect candidate for this job? Cos you're the smallest.
And most expendable.
Remember, no heroics.
When you get to the grille, radio us what's going on so we can orchestrate and leap into action. When you say "leap"...
Whatever, to get them out of there alive, Jimbo.
Just how much do you like "Saving Private Ryan"? It's really good.
Yes, I thought so.
If I don't make it home, tell Ned I...
OK, nothing's going to happen to you. Let's go.
Good luck. Right, one last thing...
Does my bum look big in this shaft?
SHE GASPS HE SNORES HE SNORTS Ooh!
Ooh!
Oh, shit!
Oh, my favourite shoes!
SHOE CLATTERS HE SNORES SHE GASPS Uh?
HE SNORES LAUGHTER Excuse me, sir. Uh?
As Acting Manager of Hotel Babylon, I would ask you to leave the bar.
What?
Why? Because you have driven all the customers away with all your giggling and laughing.
If I stop laughing, can I stay?
Yes, but you haven't bought any drinks.
I'm not thirsty. Well, you have to.
This is a bar!
So I can stay here if I read this laugh-out-loud-book without laughing out loud, and buy drinks for which I have no thirst?
Exactly.
In that case, I'll go up to my room.
Thank the Lord above for that.
SHE GASPS OK. All clear.
# When I was just a little girl # I asked my mother, # What will I be?
# Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
# Here's what she said to me THEY HUM ALONG # Que sera, sera # Whatever will be, will be # The future's not ours to see # Que sera, que sera HE WHISTLES ALONG # Que sera, sera HE SINGS ALONG # Whatever will be, will be THEY SING AND HUM ALONG THEY WHISTLE # Que sera, sera # Que sera, que sera # Whatever will be, will be # The future's not ours to see You see...
# Que sera, sera. #
'Oh, she's going to say, "Yes".'
Ned?
HER HANDS CLANG ON THE FLOOR Ned?
Of course she's going to say, "Yes"!
I mean why on earth would she want to stay working here as a receptionist in this vulgar dump, when she could marry a doctor, move to the country and never have to work again?
Uh?
Ned?
No, she loves me, she'll follow me anywhere.
No, we'll move up to York and I'll have her popping out kids within the year.
It's not as if a girl like her will ever get an opportunity like this again.
I love you too, Mother. OK.
RADIO CRACKLES 'Anna?
'How're you doing?'
Erm. I've been better. Over.
'Come on, Anna, you can do this.
'We need to know what's going on in that room.'
OK. I won't let you down.
'What about Friday?'
MUSIC BECOMES ANIMATED SHE GASPS THEY HUM "QUE SERA"
Stop it! Shut up!
SILENCE You and I need to talk.
(If you kill Slaughter he'll become a martyr.)
(I had a better idea in the toilet.
(Better than killing him?
(If you destroy his reputation, his power will disappear.)
HE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR Terribly sorry, sir, we seem to be having a little difficulty accessing the room next to yours.
I wondered if I could try the interconnecting door?
Is there no other way? I am reading.
You won't even know that I'm here.
I promise I will be completely silent.
'Can you see Anna?' What was that?
Nothing. 'Can you see Anna, over?'
Er... Excuse me.
My name's Jonah Slaughter.
For ten years, I have been an evangelical preacher.
Two years ago I saw a gap in the UK market for a charismatic faith healer and advertised my services, initially for free, more recently...for profit.
Do I HAVE to do this? Yes.
Right.
Tripping me on the tongue?
What? The truth is...
I have always... I am IN POSITION!
James, are you in position, over?
I have no healing powers.
I can't heal with just my hands, and anyone who says they can is a liar and a fraud.
(OK. Emily's in the middle of the room.)
She's got a camcorder and she's filming the God man.
Um... Jack's lying on the bed with a really old woman.
Is this a hostage situation or the set of a rather dodgy porn film?
There's a gun.
Repeat, there is a GUN!
Stay calm, Anna, stay calm, over.
It's being held by... Oh!
It's the urn man!
OK, we should definitely call the police.
No, there's not time. I'll try to open a line of communication.
How're you going to do that?
I'm gonna phone them. Oh!
Finally, I would like to apologise for all the hurt and distress I may have caused to all the relatives and friends of those I have...
taken in.
MACHINE BLEEPS Just a "bless you"
after someone sneezes, and this will find its way to the news desk of a Sunday tabloid.
PHONE RINGS Leave it!
Jack? No, I'm sorry, there's no-one with an urn here.
You must have the wrong room.
- Is that you, Jesus?
- I said, leave it!
- All right, please, you've got what you wanted, now calm down.
- I've changed my mind.
I don't want his confession.
I want his life!
No! No, just calm down, please!
No, that is not fair! You come in here waving...
Urn man's getting angry.
OK.
We're going in.
BABBLE OF RAISED VOICES GREEK MUSIC CONTINUES I'm sorry... WHAT'S going on here?
Shh!
All I want is to get to the end of this BOOK!
Right.
HE MOUTHS: Keep quiet.
GREEK MUSIC CONTINUES Shut up and be quiet!
WHIMPERING VOICE - Who the hell is up there?
- Shit, he's seen me.
'Action! Go, go, go!'
TROLLEY RUMBLES LOCK BLEEPS My son!
HE GROWLS STEAM TRAIN SOUND EFFECTS HE YELLS COUGHING Is everyone all right?
He shot his own son!
Now we SHOULD call the police.
No, that won't be necessary.
Two bullets were fired.
He told me he only had two bullets.
One was for Jonah and...
..the other?
COUGHING HE CRIES CRYING CONTINUES Agh! Ah!
SHE COUGHS AND GIGGLES Hi! Hi!
Those of us that work in the hotel business know that the pay and the hours aren't great.
But at least we have the satisfaction of sometimes changing the course of events for the better.
One thing I do know, Emily, is...
God still loves you.
..290, 300.
Shouldn't I be paying that through your agent?
No, no, no. Half the time she never calls, and she never knows my name.
No, cash in hand's fine.
We know some of our guests stretch our resourcefulness and compassion to the max.
Although often those who give us the greatest trouble end up being the people we treasure the most.
Others...
just take the piss.
And you can't always blame them.
Given all that, you would think that the team running the place would change faster than one plunging down the premiership towards certain relegation.
Oh, Anna. Hi.
Sorry, just, er...one second...
OK, there we go. Anna...
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Ned...
But they don't. Why?
What keeps us here day after day?
THEY CHEER SHE CRIES What keeps us here is that in good times and bad times...
SHE WAILS ..and especially in very, very bad times...
Oh, Anna!
Playing doctors and nurses with a real doctor just isn't the same.
When everyone else has disappointed us... Here.
..we'll always be there for one another. Fill her up!
Long may it continue.
Amen.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk